take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
