he shaved USA in his pubs
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
