I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
