there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
