Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
