I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Randomize
