apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
