it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
