Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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