someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
