You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
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Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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