I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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