i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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