OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
