mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
