so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
