i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
