My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
