everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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