...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
