remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
