Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I would ride that face into the sunset
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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