my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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