yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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