I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
