yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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