I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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