I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
