I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
