Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize