cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
