I didn't shave. On purpose
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
