No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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