I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
