The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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