mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
