I wish I could punch you in the face.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
