I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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