He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
