i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
