My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
