is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
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well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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