Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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