Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The uberlube is also flammable
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
True college students do jello shots in the library
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
