There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
