Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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