If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
