i need an iv and a liver transplant
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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