I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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