drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
