I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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