She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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