he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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