I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
