you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
