They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops