.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you mean i was at the winter classic?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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