I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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