i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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